Kateedancerchic (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} kateedancerchic) wrote,@ 2009-05-27 12:01:00 |
|
so
im very bored.
its very nice out.
ive been working on homework all morning but i really dont want to do any more
today i dont have to work and i dont have class til 6.
nadir too. but hes at wayne studying, i think. i texted him but he hasnt said anything back. that was like a half hour ago..
aggravating. i just wanted to spend my day off with him. cuddling or something. or shopping. i just like to be with him. idk if he understands..idk if he feels the same way. its probably just be over-analyzing like i always do. i think about him all the time.
so the summer semester is about half over. after this class i'll have my associates in GRD..from OCC. im so scared. i feel like no one takes OCC seriously. what if i just wasted 2 years of my life. and all the hard work. what if after i get my degree, nobody wants me?
and now im crying. great.
but i went through the whole program. i should feel like ive accomplished something but i dont. i feel like i dont even like it anymore. i dont know what im going to do..
i see nadir and erin and adryan and kevin and other people.. theyve got their whole thing layed out for them. they take these classes, they earn this degree, they work in this place of business. if theyre not good enough then they just learn more and theyll get hired. i feel like you cant prove that youve "learned" how to design. theres no right way, no right answer. and who decides if youre good enough or not? what is "good enough" anyway?
nadir has his life planned. this and this and this is what i need to do in order to be a pharmacist. there is a road. there is a pathway for him to go down. he works in the field. hes basically set up to be great. and here i sit. i look lazy. he asks me what im doing next year and every time i say "i really dont know" because i dont. and i feel like it hurts our relationship. cuz his future is like secure i guess. and i have no idea what mine looks like. and he cant see himself with someone who has no drive or future. i know that. i feel the same way. but how do i get to where i want to be?
i want to be with him. he said our futures are more important than our relationship.. which makes me feel great, right? idk. i mean i understand. we both have to be successful and if our relationship is holding us back, then we need to not be in it. but i dont want to not be in it. i dont want to lose him.
im very bored.
its very nice out.
ive been working on homework all morning but i really dont want to do any more
today i dont have to work and i dont have class til 6.
nadir too. but hes at wayne studying, i think. i texted him but he hasnt said anything back. that was like a half hour ago..
aggravating. i just wanted to spend my day off with him. cuddling or something. or shopping. i just like to be with him. idk if he understands..idk if he feels the same way. its probably just be over-analyzing like i always do. i think about him all the time.
so the summer semester is about half over. after this class i'll have my associates in GRD..from OCC. im so scared. i feel like no one takes OCC seriously. what if i just wasted 2 years of my life. and all the hard work. what if after i get my degree, nobody wants me?
and now im crying. great.
but i went through the whole program. i should feel like ive accomplished something but i dont. i feel like i dont even like it anymore. i dont know what im going to do..
i see nadir and erin and adryan and kevin and other people.. theyve got their whole thing layed out for them. they take these classes, they earn this degree, they work in this place of business. if theyre not good enough then they just learn more and theyll get hired. i feel like you cant prove that youve "learned" how to design. theres no right way, no right answer. and who decides if youre good enough or not? what is "good enough" anyway?
nadir has his life planned. this and this and this is what i need to do in order to be a pharmacist. there is a road. there is a pathway for him to go down. he works in the field. hes basically set up to be great. and here i sit. i look lazy. he asks me what im doing next year and every time i say "i really dont know" because i dont. and i feel like it hurts our relationship. cuz his future is like secure i guess. and i have no idea what mine looks like. and he cant see himself with someone who has no drive or future. i know that. i feel the same way. but how do i get to where i want to be?
i want to be with him. he said our futures are more important than our relationship.. which makes me feel great, right? idk. i mean i understand. we both have to be successful and if our relationship is holding us back, then we need to not be in it. but i dont want to not be in it. i dont want to lose him.
